YMESSED UP LIFE
Wednesday, April 23, 2008 - 3:29 PM
Monday night, I made another big mistake. The mistake is sending you a message when I know the answer myself. I practically waited almost 2 hours near your house for the reply.
You asked me for the reason, and I told you the reason.
Even though I know the answer would be a No, I thought you would be kind enough to offer other possible solution or make an effort to meet me, but in the end you didn’t.
Till today, I still could not accept the fact that you had given up everything between us, and managed to live your life with others happily.
Friends of 4 months cared for me even more than you, whom I know for 4 years and sacrificed the most for. This shows how much I mean to you.
Questions of who’s at fault had been circulating in my mind lately. Occasionally, I would put the blame on myself for falling in love with you so deeply even though I knew there’s no future between us.
But every now and then, I would recap on the happy memories we had, and they had begin to convince myself that it’s not my fault. How can I not fall in love with you, when you had continuously showered me with all the sweet words, cute little things a couple would do, and all the little hope you gave me? The sacrifices and time we made for one another? All the things we did together?
Does it mean everything is gone like this?
And now that I had fall so deep for you, you practically just said it’s impossible between us, and you walked away, but offering help as and when you like. Perhaps you might think that a simple reason of “we can only be friends” could let me stop loving you?
The reply would be, “It’s not gonna be easy for someone like me to stop loving the person whom I had loved the most in my last 20 years.”
Yes, my words might be crude or you might think I am pushing all the blame to you. You might disagree with what I said, and felt you had tried your best in solving the problem. I agree to a certain extent, but I also strongly believe that I do not deserve such treatment from you.
Four months ago, we had a memorable night and you gave me all the hope that we could carry on. But after that night, you just threw me aside, letting me suffer all alone. You treated me like a kite, redrawing it only when it had gone too far, and letting it go when you are tired with it.
You might think that the impact for all these is just tears. I thought so too. But yesterday morning, I discovered that I had an internal bleeding relapse. It’s most likely due to the effects of mental breakdown and emotion instability.
No one knows what will happen to me tomorrow, neither do I.
*Keeping myself busy everyday can’t seems to refrain me from thinking about you, and even if its helps, it’s only a temporary solution.
[;n0stalgIa-n0xiD]